It feels surreal, to sit in front of an empty WordPress draft, trying to find the right words after what seems like eons. Perhaps the end of my hiatus will inspire One Direction to end theirs. We’ll see.

Why this website has cobwebs on it, I will never know. The excuse I have been giving myself this entire time is that I have been busy. Between work, feeding myself, cleaning my surroundings (my singular room in a flat share, might I add) and seeing friends and family at regular intervals, I’ve been running from one thing to another, and reflection and creativity have eluded me. I have pushed all inspiration aside and told myself I would find the time another day. It took me nearly 6 months to find the day and only I am to blame.

WordPress sent me monthly stats and the low numbers had no effect on me. I was telling people I loved writing but then bit my tongue because I was lying; I had nothing to show for this so-called passion.

However, the greatest force that has been stopping me; making me ignore this project, is the loss of someone exceptionally important to me. He was a muse, a mentor and everything in between. The words on this site and everything I have written over the past six years would not exist if it weren’t for him. Someday I will find the courage to write about him and his legacy, but as I revive the blog, I realise that this is what he would have wanted; for me to never put down the pen, no matter how difficult it gets to say what I want to. I find peace in knowing that through this blog and all of my other recent achievements, he was proud of me in ways I never really understood.

I’ve spent all this time reading a lot, spending quality time with loved ones, trying out things outside of my comfort zone, but mostly unlearning a lot of behaviours I had internalised in the past six or seven years, and opening myself up to learning new, healthier ones. While it’s not easy, I have enjoyed myself grow and glow in the process. I am nowhere near the end (are we ever?) but I am allowing myself to take it one day at a time (close friends and family will say I am in fact, not, but I like to believe I am). I waited many months to go to the Eras Tour and it was truly a crowning moment. I cheered my sister on from the sidelines as I watched her accomplish important milestones and grow up, I met my best friend after seven years and we picked up where we’d left off. It’s been eventful, and I’ve been happy.

We’re here now though, and you’re reading the first post in many months. I don’t know when I decided to quit being lazy and stop looking for excuses when there were none, but writing this post, I’m glad I did.

This post is shorter than most of what I house on this website. But as always, I have lots to say, and it will come to me, and to you, in good time. For now, all I can say is that it’s good to be back.

Yours,

Ushashi

Featured image by Nithin Anand